The Kentucky Golf Network

Golf Jokes


Please note that many of these jokes might be offensive for various reasons, such as using explicit language, casting some religious characters and so on. It is therefore advised that you should not proceed to read these jokes if you think there is any possibility of being offended.

In building this page, most of the credits should be given to all the people who love the game of golf and particularly those who actively participate in ``'' news group. Your feedback and/or comments and/or any interesting articles are always welcome, and they are indeed the most important factor to keep this page as one of the enjoyable golfers' WEB pages. Enjoy them and send any feedback to


NOTICE!!! We are looking for new jokes!!! Please send your submissions to !!!!

If we post your joke you will be eligible for prizes and special offers!!! Heard a good one? Send it in!

Return to home page

Table of Contents

Can you stop this golfer ?

One night a man returns home well after dark after having supposedly left at 6:30 that morning to play golf. His wife is furious and demands to know where he's been.

``Well, I got up this morning at 6:30, went to the car and it wouldn't start. So I called Frank to drive and it was 7:15 until he could pick me up. On our way to the course, Frank gets a flat tire so we have to walk 8 miles to the nearest station to get someone to help us. By the time we finally get going again it's 10:30. When we get to the course, there is a seniors group going off so we have to wait two hours before we can tee off.''

``Yeah, but that was still almost eleven hours ago!'' His wife nagged.

``Well, we were playing along when on the fifth hole a golf ball comes whizzing by and strikes Frank in the head, killing him. So for the next thirteen holes, its hit the ball, drag Frank, hit the ball, drag Frank, hit the ball....''

Back: Can you stop this golfer ? Up: Best of Golf Jokes

A Golfer's nightmare

One day Steve and his wife, Sorrell were out playing golf. Everything was going fairly well for Steve until the 7th hole. He sliced his tee shot a mile to the right so he and his wife had to go looking for the ball. Eventually they came across a shed with the door slightly ajar, and surprisingly enough the golf ball was slap bang in the centre of the floor.

And so, not wanting to drop a shot, Steve decided to play on instead of taking a penalty by dropping the ball. Sorrell, noticing that if Steve played a good shot he could get his ball on the green, offered to hold the door open while her husband played the shot. After a lengthy period of sizing up his shot, Steve hit the ball, but struck his wife in the temple with it. She slumped down dead, instantly.

Another 5 years later, Steve found himself on the same golf course, on the same hole, this time with his friend, Jim. So, coincidently, Steve's tee shot took the exact same path as it did 5 years ago, and the ball found itself, again, slap bang in the centre of the shed. As Steve thought seriously what to do with his shot, Jim offered to hold the door of the shed open so he could take his shot. But with a look of shock on his face, Steve replied instantly,

``Hell No!!! The last time I tried that it took me 7 shots to get on the green.''

Back: A Golfer's nightmare Previous: Defference between a golf course and a whorehouse Up: Best of Golf Jokes


Two men were out playing a game of golf. One of them was teeing off at the third hole, when a gourgeous naked lady ran past. Naturally this distracted him somewhat, but the true wannabe pro that he was, he bent back to themuch more important task at hand. As he was about to hit the shot again, two men in white coats ran past. This was of course less of a distraction, so it was only a few seconds before he was ready again. Surprise surprise, he was again distracted by a third man, running by in a white coat, but this man was carrying two buckets of sand.

Eventually, he was ready again, and took his shot. As he was walking down the fairway, he asked his companion what he thought had been going on. His companion knew and told him:

``Well that lady, once a week, manages to escape from the loony bin beside the course, tears off her clothes and runs across the fairways. The three guys you saw were the nurses. They have a race to see which can catch her first, and the winner gets to carry her back.''

``What about the bucket of sand?''

``Well, that guy won last week, the buckets of sand are his handicap.''

Back: Handicap Previous: A Golfer's nightmaker Up: Best of Golf Jokes

Like golfer like caddy

He was 26 over par by the eighth hole, had landed a fleet of golf balls in the water hazard, and dug himself into a trench fighting his way out of the rough, when his caddy coughed during a 12-inch putt. The duffer exploded.

``You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!'' he screamed.

``I doubt it,'' replied the caddy. ``That would be too much of a coincidence.''

Back: Like golfer like caddy Previous: Handicap Up: Best of Golf Jokes

Fairy tale (1)

A man was playing a game of golf, and on hole 16, he hit the ball right into a field of buttercups. As honest a golfer as he normally was, he picked up the ball and laid it next to the flowerbed to avoid destroying the beautiful buttercups. A fairy comes down and says ``thank you for not disturbing my buttercups. For that I shall make sure that you always have a full supply of butter''.

``Thank you,'' the golfer replied, ``but where were you last week when I hit the ball into the pussywillows?''

Back: Fairy tale (1) Previous: Like golfer like caddy Up: Best of Golf Jokes

Fairy tale (2)

A foursome was playing golf on a rather sunny day in spring. Fred was having some trouble with his swing but wasn't losing by too much. The group approached the 15th tee which was quite near a road and he watched as his partners teed off before him. Just before he was about to tee off a car came down the road and got a flat tire right near them. The woman in the car was quite striking so the other three men decided that they would help her out. Fred, on the other hand, wanted to tee off his shot first. His shot was beautiful. He was quite upset that his friends hadn't seen it. However, he quickly changed his mind as he saw the ball bounce twice on the green and roll into the cup.

Just then a flash appeared at his feet and he looked down to see a small man. ``I am the hole-in-one fairy and I will grant you a wish for your effort.''

Fred looked around to make sure no one saw him. If he was hallucinating he didn't want anyone to see him talking to no one. ``Are you serious little man?'' The little fairy nodded in response and Fred tried to think of something good to wish for. ``I know,'' he said. ``I would like it if I had a longer dick.''

``And so it shall be done,'' the fairy said as he flashed away. Fred stood there for a few more minutes not feeling any different and noticing that his dick was still it's small self. Not wanting to tell the guys, who were returning now, he kept himself quiet. That day he came in behind the others as he was unable to concentrate on his game for the rest of the day.

Before going to sleep he checked out his dick and noticed that it might have actually increased in length by a few fractions of an inch but he put it down to imagination and figured it was all just a dream and went to sleep.

The next morning when he awoke he was immediately aware that his dick had actually grown a good two inches while he had slept. Unfortunately, his wife was still asleep, but he figured he would spring his new found masculinity on her when he returned home from work.

That night when Fred returned home from work he noticed that his dick had grown another two inches. He went right up to his wife in the kitchen and she realized what was happening right away when he rubbed up behind her. She tried to ask what or how but she was overwhelmed and she was satisfied beyond her dreams that night by Fred.

The next morning Fred could not believe that his dick had grown another four inches that night and now he was starting to get worried. He had difficulty hiding what was happening to him while he walked around at work.

After a few days Fred's dick had to be tucked into his sock so that it didn't show out his pants legs and he was getting even more worried, so he grabbed his golf clubs and went out to the 15th tee again with a few buckets of balls. He started hitting balls from the tee to try and get another hole-in-one.

Finally, after laboring all day (and another two inches later), Fred gets a hole-in-one and there is a flash at his feet as the hole-in-one fairy appears. ``I am the hole-in-one fairy and I will grant you a wish for your effort.''

``Hi, it's me Fred, I asked for a longer dick a week ago,'' Fred blurted out quickly.

``Oh yeah, I remember you, how is it going?''

``Great, Mr. Fairy, My wife loves it and it had given me a real boost of confidence at work, but my dick is getting so long it will be dragging on the ground soon and I thought I would ask you if...''

``I know'', the Fairy broke in, ``You want me to shorten it a little so it doesn't drag on the ground.''

``No,'' Fred replied, ``I was wondering if you could make my legs longer.''

Back: Fairy tale (2) Previous: Fairy tale (1) Up: Best of Golf Jokes

Jesus!, What a golfer! (1)

Jesus and Moses are playing golf. On the 5th hole, a shot over water to an island green, Moses hits his 6-iron and it lands perfectly on the green. Jesus takes out his 7-iron and begins tee-ing it up.

Moses says: ``The 7 isn't enough club. It'll go in the water''

Jesus replies: ``If Arnie Palmer can do it, I can do it.''

He swings the 7 and sure enough, right in the drink. He tees up a second ball and grabs his 7-iron again. Once again Moses reminds him of his previous attempt and Jesus says, ``If Arnie Palmer can do it, I can do it.'' ``PLOP'' in the water it goes again. He continues this until he has hit all his golf balls into the water. At this point, he begins walking out on the water looking down to locate his lost golf balls. The foursome behind them approaches the tee, spots Jesus out on the lake nd says to Moses,

``Hey, who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?''

Moses replies,

``No, Arnie Palmer.''

Back: Jesus!, What a golfer! (1) Previous: Fairy tale (2) Up: Best of Golf Jokes

Doctor's Problem

Lady goes to a doctor and says that she's in pain because she got hit by a golf ball.

Doctor asks her where she got hit.

She says it was between the first and second hole.

Doctor says ``well it doesn't give me much room to work on - does it?''

Back: Doctor's Problem Previous: Jesus!, What a golfer! (1) Up: Best of Golf Jokes

The rules of bedroom golf

  1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
  2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
  3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
  4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
  5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
  6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary untill the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
  7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.
  8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
  9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.
  10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they consider to be a private course.
  11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at times. Some players may be embarassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactfull in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
  12. Players are advised to obtain course owner's permission before attempting to play on the back nine.
  13. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.
  14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permiting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
  15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
  16. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by course owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer continuing to play several different courses.
  17. Once membership is established and accepted, playing other courses is strictly FORBIDDEN. Any member caught playing another course is subject to forfeiture of all equipment.

Back: The rules of bedroom golf Previous: Doctor's Problem Up: Best of Golf Jokes

Heavenly golf (1)

One sunny day Jesus, Moses and an elderly small man were playing golf.

Jesus was the first to tee off and he hit the ball a little left and it ended up in the water hazard. Because it was Jesus, his ball floated and when he got down to the hazard he walked upon the water and hit the ball onto the green.

Moses was the next to tee off, and like Jesus he hit the ball into the water hazard. When he got down to the hazard, he parted the waters and hit the ball onto the green.

The little old man was next, and he too hit into the water hazard. Just then a big fish swallowed the ball and bagan the swim away. A hawk swooped down and grabbed the fish in its talons and started to fly away. As the hawk passed over the green, it tightened its grip on the fish which caused the ball to pop out of the fish. The ball landed on the green and rolled into cup.

Jesus then turned to the old man and said, ``look Dad, if you're going to play, play fair.''

Back: Heavenly golf (1) Previous: The rules of bedroom golf Up: Best of Golf Jokes

The fate of a golfer's wife

It's a nice hot summers day and two men are playing golf on a course that is situated near a main road. As he is just about to tee off on the 10th hole one of the men notices a hearse driving slowly along the road. He stops in mid swing and places his club on the ground, turns round, faces the road and removes his hat in a solemn gesture. The second man turns round to him and says...

M2: ``Come off it, it's only a hearse.''

M1: ``But you don't understand, its my wife's funeral...''

Back: The fate of a golfer's wife Previous: Heavenly golf (1) Up: Best of Golf Jokes

You can't keep your head down!

A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf > enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says,

``I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake.'' The caddy looks back at him and says,

``I don't think you could keep your head down that long.''

Back: You can't keep your head down! Previous: The fate of a golfer's wife Up: Best of Golf Jokes

`F' word (1)

A man dies and approaches the pearly gates where he encounters St. Peter.

``Ah'', says St. Peter, ``we've been expecting you. I'd like to let you walk through the pearly gates here, and looking through my book, I notice you've lived a good life....BUT...I see that one time, ONE TIME, you got a little angry and said the `F' word, didn't you?''

``Yes'', says the man, ``but it was only one time.''

St. Peter: ``Well, I've been known to make an exception when there are extenuating circumstances.''

Man: ``Well, I said the `F' word when I was playing golf..''

St. Peter: ``Oh, so you're a golfer, are you? Well that explains a lot. Go ahead and tell me why you said the `F' word.''

Man: ``Well, I was playing in a tournament, and I had a one stroke lead. As I started into my backswing for my drive on the last hole, just at the peak of my swing, I realized that I had chosen the wrong club! I had the five iron instead of the four iron...''

St. Peter: ``And THAT'S when you said the `F' word?''

Man: ``Well, no, as it turned out I hit the five iron shot of my life! The ball was headed straight up the fairway, when all of a sudden, a passing bird flew right into the ball's path...''

St. Peter: ``You said the `F' word then, didn't you?''

Man: ``Well, no, just as the bird got to the ball, it started to hook, and the bird actually helped direct the ball towards the green where it landed and started to roll towards the cup! It was rolling real well, when all of a sudden, a squirrel came onto the green and came towards my ball...''

St. Peter: ``The `F' word, you said it then, yes?''

Man: ``Well, the squirrel actually pushed the ball towards the hole, where it stopped rolling just about 2 inches from the cup..''


Back: `F' word (1) Previous: You can't keep your head down! Up: Best of Golf Jokes

Golf Lesson 101 (1)

Me wife says to me one day ``Ain't it about time you learned to play this golf thing that all the other husbands are play'n?''

So I goes next door and says to me neighbor ``Can you teach me to play golf?''

He: ``Sure. Have you got any balls and club?''

Me: ``?.....of course. Why?''

H: ``Well bring'em to the club house tomorrow and we'll T-off.''

M: ``?T-off? Whats this T-off?''

H: ``Oh - its just a golf term and we'll T-off right next to the clubhouse.''

M: ``Look, you T-off where ever you want to but I'll T-off in private if you don't mind.''

H: ``(chuckle) No no, a T's that little thing about the size of your little finger.''

M: (them damn women been talk'n again)

H: ``Look, the first thing you do is stick you T in the ground and put you ball on top of it.''

M: ``Oh, this is sit down game?''

H: ``No, your standing up when you put your ball on the T.''

M: ``Is'nt that strech'n things a bit far?''

H: ``No. You got a bag to go along with your balls'n clubs?''

M: ``?.....of course. Why?''

H: ``Zippered bag or velcro?''

M: ``?...........neither.''

H: ``Oh, well how do you hold you club?''

I: ``Two fingers.''

H: ``No, no. That's not right. Look let me get around behind you like this. Now spread your feet apart a bit. Bend over a bit. Now I'll put my arms around you and show you how to swing.''

M: ``Damn man, I spent six years in the Navy and I know what you got on your mind.''

H: ``Ok, look, you take your club and swing it over your shoulder...''

M: ``No, no, that's me brother Jimmy you be think'n of.''

H: ``. . . and you hit your ball with it and it'll soar and soar.''

M: ``I can well belive that.''

H: ``Then when your on the green . . .''

M: ``What's the green thing?''

H: ``Ah, thats where the hole is.''

M: ``You color blind?''

H: ``No, why?'' ``...anyway, when you get there, you take your putter...''

M: ``Whats a putter?''

H: ``Smallest club made''

M: (DAMN that woman, just can't keep her mouth shut).

H: ``...and with it you put the ball in the hole.''

M: ``You mean the putter?'

H: ``No, the ball, the hole isn't big enough for the ball and the putter.''

M: ``Well - that's when I knew he didn't know what he was talk'n about. Cuz I seen holes big enough for a horse-n-wagon.''

H: ``Then after the first hole, you go on to the next 17.''

M: ``I quit. Takes me 18 days to make one hole. Besides, how would I know when I in the 18th one?''

H: ``Why, the holes got a flag in it.''

M: Sheeez!

Back: Golf Lesson 101 (1) Previous: `F' word (1) Up: Best of Golf Jokes

Switch Golfer

Four guys who worked together always golfed as a group at 7 a.m. Sunday. But one of them got transferred, and they were talking about trying to fill out the foursome.

A woman standing near the tee said, ``Hey, I like to golf, can I join the group?''

They were hesitant but said she could come once to give it a try.

She said ``Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or quarter to seven.''

She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a course record with a 7-under-par round. The guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated her. Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The guys happily invited her back the next week and she said ``Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or quarter to 7.''

Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed, and matched her 7-under par score of the previous week. By now the guys were totally amazed, and they asked her to join the group for keeps.

They had a beer after their round, and one of the guys asked her, ``how do you know if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?''

She said ``That's easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude. If his dick is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed; if it's pointed to the left, I golf left-handed.''

A guy asked ``what if it's pointed straight up?''

She said ``Then I'll be here at nine o'clock.''

Back: Switch Golfer Previous: Golf Lesson 101 (1) Up: Best of Golf Jokes

At a fancy resort hotel...

This man had decided to spend some time in this new and fancy resort which advertised an all inclusive do all you can kind of sejour. So he shows up at the desk , gets his key and goes to his room. Looking thru the hotel's book he finds there are tennis courts on the premises so he calls the desk to find out how to go about playing a set or two.

``Just meet the pro at the tennis shop, he will lend you all that you need and will find you someone to play with.'' answered a very polite clerk.

``How much is that going to cost me `` the man asks So the man goes to the shop, plays tennis all afternoon. When he is done he asks the pro how much he owed. ``Nothing, this is on the room.''

The next day he decided to try horse backriding and again found it did not cost him a penny more than the price of the room. After a week there he had done just about everything that was available except golf. On his last day he decided to play a round so he goes to the club house, gets what he needs and starts his games. When he came back to the shop the pro asked him how the game had gone.

``Not so good'' the man answers, ``in fact I lost 5 balls.''

``Well'' says the pro, ``that will be $5000.00 sir.''

``What do you mean $5000.00, for 5 lousy golf balls? You have to be kidding. I played an afternoon of tennis, went horse riding, scuba diving, deep sea fishing and more and was never charged a cent, and now that I have lost 5 balls you charge me $5000.00 ?''

``Well'' the pro says ``you know, this hotel really gets you by the balls.''

Back: At a fancy resort hotel... Previous: Switch Golfer Up: Best of Golf Jokes

Not a bad deal, at all!!

It was a beautiful sunny day at the golf course. The gentleman took aim on the ball and drove his first shot deep into a wooded area. He sighed and proceeded to the area where the ball had gone into the woods.

As he was looking around for his ball, he heard a voice calling to him. He whirled around and there stood a very ugly witch. She had his golf ball and explained to him that it had hit her in the head. She was not very pleased about this, but went on to explain that she had little contact with the outside world and when she did have an encounter, she condidered it a special occasion.

The witch said that she had magical powers and would grant the man one wish. However, when the wish was granted, the man would notice a tremendous decrease in his sexual desire and ability to perform. The man thought about this for a few minutes and then stated that he would agree to those conditions.

The witch asked what his wish was and the man simply stated, ``I want my golf game to improve.'' The witch rocked back on her heels and stared at the man. After a few minutes she said, ``Is that all?''. He said,'' Yes, that's it''. The witch said, ``Are you telling me that is all you want, when you could have anything in this world?'' The man looked her in straight in the eyes and said, ``Yes''.

Two years later, on another beautiful day, the man is at the same golf course and drives a tee shot into the woods. The man starts shaking because he had not hooked or sliced a shot since the day he had encountered the witch. He went into the woods and there stood the witch. She looked at him and said, ``I made your shot go bad because I wanted to talk to you.'' The man was visibly relieved when he heard this and asked what she wanted. The witch wanted to know if he had any regrets about his wish. The man said, ``Well, things couldn't be better with my golf game. I've won every major tournament on the amateur circuit and I'll soon be on the PGA tour. As far as my sex life, I have only had six encounters in 2 years. ``Hasn't that bothered you?,'' asked the witch. The man said, ``No, I'm allright''. The witch said,'' Well, I'm glad it all worked out, although there is nothing you or I can do about it now - the spell that was cast can never be changed''.

With that, they parted company. On his way out to the fairway, the man said to himself, ``The PGA Tour and sex three times a year - not bad for a small parish priest''.

Back: Not a bad deal, at all!! Previous: At a fancy resort hotel... Up: Best of Golf Jokes

Amazing Golf Ball

These two guys were approaching the first tee. The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, ``Hey, why don't you try this ball.'' He draws a green golfball out of his bag. ``You can't lose it.''

His friend replies, ``What do you mean you can't lose it?!!''

The first man replies, ``I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it.''

Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced.

The friend says, ``Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball!''

The man replies, ``I found it.''

Back: Amazing Golf Ball Previous: Not a bad deal, at all!! Up: Best of Golf Jokes

Confession before marriage

An avid golfer has been dating a lady who works at a house of ill repute (he doesn't know that).

They get pretty serious and the golfer wants to propose.

``Ginger, darling.'' he says. ``I want to marry you. But I must confess something about myself. I am an avid golfer and golf all the time.''

Ginger smiles, for she is in love with the man as well.

``That's okay. I don't mind. But I think I should tell you something about myself. I'm a hooker.''

``Oh, I'm sure if I take you out on the course I'll help your problem.''

Back: Confession before marriage Previous: Amazing Golf Ball Up: Best of Golf Jokes

If I become a lesbian...

Two long time golfing buddies were playing the back nine when suddenly a thunderstorm formed overhead and with one lightning bolt zapped both players killing them instantly. When they reported to the pearly gates St Peter discovered there had been an error and neither of them was supposed to be there yet. Since both their original bodies had been burned to cinders he offered to return them in what ever form they preferred. After a brief discussion, one of them stated they wanted to return as lesbians. ``Lesbians,'' cried St Peter, ``Whatever for?'' ``Well,'' replied one,

``we can still eat p***y and we get to use the red tees!''

Back: If I become a lesbian... Previous: Confession before marriage Up: Best of Golf Jokes

Heavenly Golf (2)

Jesus, Moses, and this old guy decided to play golf one day. On the first tee, Moses whacks the ball a beautiful one, sending it screaming towards the green, where it rolls to a stop, just a foot from the hole.

``What do ya think of that?'' he beamed.

``That's nothing, step aside,'' Jesus replied serenely.

If Moses' drive was a beautiful one, Jesus' was simply gorgeous. The ball fairly burned through the air as it headed for the green. It hit the green and rolled gently past Moses' ball, stopping a mere six inches from the hole.

``Mind if I play now?'' the old man spoke up. Jesus stepped aside and let the man tee up.

The shot had vigor, mind you, but it hooked wildly into the trees and disappeared from sight. A second later, the trio heard a loud THWOCK and the ball sailed out of the trees, into the air, and across the fairway. It fell toward a water trap, but just before it hit, a fish leapt out of the water and snatched it out of the air. As the fish fell back to the water, a hawk, who had been disturbed when the ball hit its nest, swooped down and snatched the fish into the air and flew with it down the fairway. Just as the fish passed over the green, the ball fell out of its mouth, hit Moses' ball and bounced onto Jesus' ball and plunked into the hole.

The old man leaned happily on his club and said, ``What do ya think of THAT?''

Jesus snapped, ``Quit messing around, Dad, and let's play golf.''

Back: Heavenly Golf (2) Previous: If I become a lesbian... Up: Best of Golf Jokes

Jesus!, What a golfer! (2)

Jesus, Moses and Paul were playing golf, and Jesus found himself in a sand trap. He looked at the position of the ball, and decided to use a nine-iron. Moses quickly rebuked Jesus and said ``What the heck are you doing? If you use a nine-iron, you're going to land that ball in the drink!''

Jesus answered ``No, no, I saw Jack Nicholas do this on T.V. the other day. I'm sure I can do this.'' Well, he hit the ball, and right on with Moses' prediction, the ball landed in the lake; so Moses parted the water so Jesus could get the ball. When Jesus insisted trying from the same spot again with a nine-iron, Moses repeated his objection, but Jesus again replied ``I saw Jack Nicholas do this on T.V.'' Again, the ball landed in the drink, again Moses parted the water for Jesus to go get the ball.

When Jesus insisted on one more try, Moses retorted ``O.K. smarty, but WHEN it lands in the water, I'm not parting it this time!'' To this Jesus replied ``I saw Jack do this on T.V.'', and again, the ball landed in the drink. Moses, true to his word refused to part the water, so Jesus walked out on the water to try and find his ball. A couple of guys walked up and saw a man walking on water, and turned to Moses asking ``who is this guy, Jesus Christ?'', to which Moses snaps ``Yeah, but he thinks he's Jack Nicholas.'' (ugh ugh)

Back: Jesus!, What a golfer! (2) Previous: Heavenly Golf (2) Up: Best of Golf Jokes

Great Trade ?

Two golfers are at the first tee:

Golfer one: ``Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!''

Golfer two: ``em Great trade!!!!''

Back: Great Trade ? Previous: Jesus!, What a golfer! (2) Up: Best of Golf Jokes

`F' Word (2)

Vicar George and Vicar Henry were out for a game of golf one day. On the first green, having missed a two foot putt, George screamed aloud, ``Fuck it, I missed!''. This really caught Vicar Henry by surprise but he decided to say nothing.

So, along the game went and on the third green Vicar George missed another simple putt. To Henry's surprise again, George shouted, ``Fuck it, I missed!''. Henry decided to calm George down a little and told him that the Lord would strike him down for using such foul language.

Anyway, both vicars played on, and George was able to control his temper until the final green where he missed yet another two-footer to win the match. Uncontrollably, the same, foul words came from his mouth, and in a flash, lightening came down from above, struck Vicar Henry, and killed him instantly. Suddenly, Vicar George heard a big booming voice from above, sounding the words:

``Dammit, I missed!''.

Back: `F' Word (2) Previous: Great Trade ? Up: Best of Golf Jokes

`F' Word (3)

A man is playing alone behind a threesome of women on a busy weekend and the play is slow. When the man gets to the next tee the three women are about to hit and he asks them if he may join them in order to speed up play. They all agree that it is a good idea and form a foursome. All four hit good tee shots and walk out to their balls. The three women hit there second shots safely onto the green, the man hits his into a bunker next to the green an promptly yells

``aw S**T''.

When one of the women hears him she tells him that they will not tolerate his foul language. The man apologizes and they finish out the hole. When they get to the next tee the women who scolded him hits her tee shot well off to the right, it looks like it may be allright but it hits a tree and goes into the woods. She yell

``S**T'' and storms off the tee box. The man hearing this looks and the women and says `` I thought you wouldn't tolerate the use of that type of language''. She turns to him and says

``your ball didn't hit a F**KING tree''.

Back: `F' Word (3) Previous: `F' Word (2) Up: Best of Golf Jokes

How does he putt ?

The pro at the country club was rude. When he beat you on the golf course he not only took your money he then told you everything you did wrong and suggested that you would never be able to hit the ball out of your own shadow.

On of the members had enough. So we bought a gorilla and trained it to play golf.

He then set up a game with the pro, $1000 a side with automatics.

The day of the match arrived and all parties were ready. The first hole was a par five of 575 yards. The pro teed off splitting the fairway some 270 yards out.

The gorilla lumbered up to the tee. Placed the ball on the ground and made a mighty swing. The ball rocketed off the clubface 100, 200, 300 400 ,500, 575 yards and stopped 5 inches from the cup.

The pro just about ``dumped'' in his pants. If this was an indication of the way things were going to go then he would never live in down. He immediately settled the bet, remembering that he had urgent business across town.

As they walked from the tee the pro asked, ``How does he putt''

The same as he drives, 575 yards, was the answer.

Back: How does he putt ? Previous: `F' Word (3) Up: Best of Golf Jokes

Preacher's Call

He was out playing a round of golf one day with three of his friends, who were also ministers, when on one of the par fives he reaches the edge of the green in three, Leaving himself with about a 35-40 foot birdie putt.

He lines the putt up so that he feels pretty comfortable with it and strikes what looks to be a perfect putt, headed straight for the hole. Just as the ball gets to the hole, it stops, hanging right on the rim of the hole. Being a preacher and a man of God, He looks up to the sky and says to God, ``How 'bout a little help?''

Just as he says this, a moth flies onto the green, briefly buzzes around their heads and then decides to rest....RIGHT ON HIS BALL!!! The moth lands on the ball but the ball still doesn't move, prompting him to say ``YOU DIDN'T SEND A BIG ENOUGH MOTH!!!'' Right when he says this, the moth starts crawling around the ball, and eventually crawls to the hole side of the ball, causing, you guessed it, the ball to drop straight into the hole. With this my friend simply looks up to the sky with an ``Amen!''

Back: Preacher's Call Previous: How does he putt ? Up: Best of Golf Jokes

The most cruel punishment

A rabbi is out of town on Yom Kippur. Since nobody knows who he is, he decides to play a round of golf. Up in heaven, God sees him and decides to punish the rabbi for his transgression. However, before God does anything, Moses stops him and says, ``Let me take care of this.'' God thinks about it for a moment and say ``Ok.''

The rabbi tes off on the first hole, and from above, Moses causes the ball to be a perfect hole in one. This is repeated for the second hole, the third hole, in fact, for every hole on the course. The rabbi has hit a perfect game.

God turns to Moses and says ``I thought you were going to punish him?'', to which Moses replies, ``Who's he going to tell?''

Back: The most cruel punishment Previous: Preacher's Call Up: Best of Golf Jokes

How to play in winder ?

A Scot and an American were talking about playing golf during the various seasons of the year. ``In most parts of the USA we cannot play in the winter time. We have to wait until spring'' the Yank said.''Why, in Scotland we can even play in the winter time. Snow and cold are no object to us.'' said the Scot.

``Well, what do you do; paint your balls black?''asked the American.

``No'', said the Scot ``we just put on an extra sweater or two.''

Back: How to play in winder ? Previous: The most cruel punishment Up: Best of Golf Jokes

An Illusion

Seems this man was stranded on an island for 11 years...well one day he was sitting on the beach when this very lovely lady came swimming up, she had on a wet suit that was gripping her body.... she looked at the man, and asked how long he had been here....when he said 11 years, she asked if he had smoked any....he said no....she then opened a pocket and pulled out a cigarette and lit it and gave it to him.....she then asked when was the last time he had a drink.....he said 11 she pulled a flask out of another pocket and gave him a drink.....the young lady then got a really sexy look on her face and asked when was the last time the had played around.... the fellow grinned and said 11 the point the young lady started to unzip her wet suit .......the man got so excited he responded with


Back: An Illusion Previous: How to play in winder ? Up: Best of Golf Jokes

Gamma Su !! Gamma Su !!

A Texas business man while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although, the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling ``Gama Su!, Gama Su!''. Hearing this, the Texan knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep.

The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his friends, the Texan joined in and began yelling ``Gama Su! Gama Su!''.

Suddenly everyone became quiet.

After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked: ``Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?''

Back: Gamma Su !! Gamma Su !! Previous: An Illusion Up: Best of Golf Jokes

Heavenly Golf (3)

A husband and wife died and went to Heaven together. They were met at the gates by an angel who was to show them the place. Right over here we have our very own golf course!

Wow! It's beautiful! Can we play it now?! they both exclaimed.

Sure said the angel.

So the couple began playing. It was the most beautiful course they had ever seen. Everything was perfect... the fairways, the greens, even the roughs. The more they played the more the woman beamed with happiness, but she noticed her husband was becoming disheartened and angry.

The woman confronted her husband on what was wrong. I can't understand why you're not happy. We're in Heaven! We're together! We're playing on the most beautiful and most perfect golf course ever! What's wrong with you? she asked.

If you hadn't fed us those DAMN bran muffins, we'd been here years ago!

Back: Heavenly Golf (3) Previous: Gamma Su !! Gamma Su !! Up: Best of Golf Jokes

A real disastrous shot

A man steps up for a tee shot with a row of trees and out of bounds on the right side. He slices it wildly and it heads off in the direction of the trees. He reloads and forgets about the ball. About 15 minutes later a highway patrolman approaches him.

``This your ball?" asks the policeman.

``Yes, I think it is.''

``Well,'' says the officer, ``it went over the trees and through the window of a house. It hit a cat and the cat ran out the front door. A school bus was driving by at the time and the driver, while trying to miss the cat, hit a tree. The bus exploded in flames, and there were no survivors.''

``Gee, I'm sorry.'' said the golfer. ``Is there anything I can do?'' The policeman replied,

``Well, you might try keeping your left arm a little straighter and start your downswing with your hips.''

Back: A real disastrous shot Previous: Heavenly Golf (3) Up: Best of Golf Jokes

What a club pro !

A woman golfer just came off of the 18th green after a round of golf when she was met by the club pro.

PRO: Hi, how did the round of golf go?

WOMAN: Very well, but I got stung by a bee.

PRO: Oh really, Where did it sting you?

WOMAN: Between the First and Second holes.

PRO: I told you your stance was too wide!

Back: What a club pro ! Previous: A real disastrous shot Up: Best of Golf Jokes

Hoenymoon Golf

A man and his new bride were playing golf together on their honeymoon. The lady was playing extremely well, and had won nearly every hole. On the 18th hole, she had a 30 foot putt for birdie. She turned to her husband and said, ``Honey, if I make this putt, I will break par for the first time in my life, and I'm going to give you the best blow job you've ever had!''

``It's good! It's good!'', said he.

Back: Hoenymoon Golf Previous: What a club pro ! Up: Best of Golf Jokes

How to make a decent shot on a cart path ?

Two guys of equal ability decide to have a round together and ``play it as it lays'' on all shots. Both hit their tee shots on the the par-5 No.1 hole down the middle and about 260. The drive up for the second shot, and the first gentleman hits his shot down the middle for an easy approach, but the second guy slices his over the trees and it ends up in the cart path of the adjoining hole. ``Guess I get a free drop from the cart path.'', he says. ``Oh no,'' says guy 1, ``We agreed. Play it as it lays.'' So guy 2 drives guy 1 up to his ball in front of the green, drops him off and drives over to his ball on the cart path. Guy 1 watches in amusement as sparks shower down from the practice swings of his opponent, then, in amazement as a perfectly struck shot lands on the green and roles to within 3 ft. of the pin. Guy 2 drives back to the green.

Guy 1: ``Great shot back there! What club did you use?''

Guy 2: ``Your six iron.''

Back: How to make a decent shot on a cart path ? Previous: Hoenymoon Golf Up: Best of Golf Jokes

No Excuse !!

It seems that four very low-handicapped players were playing their normal course. Unusually, the play was very slow and the players began to get frustrated. By the tenth hole, they began firing their tee shots at the foursome ahead of them, who were constantly in the woods and were the root cause of the slow play. Finally, the good foursome finished their round, coming in just under eight hours. After spotting the slow group in the clubhouse, they went right after them, swearing their asses off. The club pro saw this spectacle and pulled aside the guys. He said: ``Didn't you know that the foursome ahead of you are all *blind*; they're taking part in a special event.'' After hearing this, the foursome immediately had a change of heart. The first one said, ``Just to show how sorry I am, I'll pay for their green fees.'' The second replied, ``And I'll pay for their carts.'' Predictably, the third member said, ``Whatever food and drinks they want, I'll pay for them.'' The club pro considered their acts very gracious and, turning to the fourth member, said: ``And what are you going to do for them?'' The golfer, still noticeably upset, retorted,

``Fuck them, they could have played last night!''

Back: No Excuse !! Previous: How to make a decent shot on a cart path ? Up: Best of Golf Jokes

How to beat PGA Pros

The worst (and wealthiest) member of Augusta approached Ben Crenshaw after the Master's Tournament. He challenged him to a match - double or nothing the prize money he had just one. Crenshaw was hesitant but hey who doesn't need more money right. To make it fair he offered the guy any handicap he wanted. The member requested 2 gottchas. Crenshaw wasn't sure what a gottcha was but since the man was insistent he agreed.

Then went out to the first tee and the member took a swing and his ball sliced mightily. Crenshaw got up and teed up his ball. The guy came up behind Crenshaw and swung his drive hard between his legs ``GOTTCHA!'' he screamed.

At the end of the round the people couldn't believe that Crenshaw had lost - his only comment ``ever play a round of golf waiting for the second ``gottcha''?

Back: How to beat PGA Pros Previous: No Excuse !! Up: Best of Golf Jokes

Green Golf Balls

A golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning. Finally the pro askes him what he wants. ``I can't find any green golf balls,'' the golfer replies.

The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.

As the golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks him, ``Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?''

``Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!!''

Back: Green Golf Balls Previous: How to beat PGA Pros Up: Best of Golf Jokes

Difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A bad golfer says wack...DAMN

A bad skydiver says damn...WACK

Back: Difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? Previous: Green Golf Balls Up: Best of Golf Jokes

The game of golf and the marriage

An avid golfer got married, and the marriage was getting into problems as he was playing golf 5 days a week. They finally talked about it and she asks him if he could teach her golf, that way they can both enjoy golf and improve their marriage. He argues that golf is a serious game and that she is just trying to prove her point by mocking the game. After some arguing he agrees to have her go to the course with him.

They go to the course and she signs up to take some lessons with the local pro. The lessons keep going on everyday, and he is happy she doesn't bother him. One day, one of his buddies asks him how the marriage is going. He replies ``It is great, ever since she takes the golf lessons, she doesn't bother me and lets me play all the golf I want.'' His buddy says ``Really, then I guess you don't know that she is screwing around with the golf pro'' The man's eyes turned red and smoke came out of his ears, getting very furious and saying

``I knew it could not last, I knew she'd make a mockery of the game''

Back: The game of golf and the marriage Previous: Difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? Up: Best of Golf Jokes

Some Quotes from Golf Digest Magazine

The following are borrowed from the May '93 edition of Golf Digest:

  1. The score a player reports on any hole should be regarded as his opening offer.
  2. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
  3. If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
  4. When another foursome is on the green, "Fore!" is not an excuse, "So what?" is not an apology, and "Up yours" is not an explanation.
  5. Never leave your opponent with the sole responsibility for thinking of all the things that might go wrong with his shot.
  6. The only sure way to find a drive sliced deep into the woods is to hit a provisional ball 260 yards down the middle.
  7. The stages of a golfer's game are: Sudden Collapse, Radical Change, Complete Frustration, Slow Improvement, Brief Mastery, and Sudden Collapse.
  8. Four days of perfect weather begin on Monday. (Especially appropriate here in Syracuse, NY)
  9. $D = nP^2$ (The odds of hitting a duffed shot increase by the square of the number of people watching.)
  10. Don't play with anyone who would question a 7.
  11. When you look up and cause an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
  12. Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
  13. It's often necessary to hit a second drive to really appreciate the first one.
  14. Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
  15. Whenever you play in a mixed foursome, there will always be at least one hole where you have to hit your second shot before the ladies tee off.

And from someone on the net:

You haven't really played golf until you've had to decide which opening in the trees gives you the best chance of getting back to the fairway.

Back: Some Quotes from Golf Digest Magazine Previous: The game of golf and the marriage Up: Best of Golf Jokes

Golf Lesson 101 (2)

The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.

``Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?'' she asked the instructor.

``P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied. ``Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing.''

Back: Golf Lesson 101 (2) Previous: Some Quotes from Golf Digest Magazine Up: Best of Golf Jokes

Oh! That is just a wrong place for a golf ball.

A couple of buddies ran into each other at the 19th hole one afternoon. One of the men had a large bandage wrapped around his throat and could speak no louder than a hoarse whisper. Needless to say, the other was quite curious and demanded the details of what had happened. Over a couple of cold ones, the man with the bandage told his tale.

``Two days ago I came out to the club real early to play a round. At that hour there's not too many people on the course; in fact, the only one I saw was this lady who was playing ahead of me. Anyway, I was hitting them really well - right up until I got to the 7th hole. Just as I was teeing off a bird squawked and I hooked it right into the cow pasture next to the fairway. I grabbed a club and climbed the fence to look for my ball. The lady I told you about was also over there looking for her ball. Well, I looked, but I couldn't find that damned ball anywhere and the lady didn't seem to be having any better luck. Then I noticed this one cow. She seemed to be in pain or something. I went over to take a look at her. At first I couldn't see anything wrong, but then I lifted her tail. Sure enough, there was a ball stuck you-know-where. Well, I checked the markings, but it wasn't mine. So, I yelled out, `Hey, lady, does this look like yours?' That's when she hit me in the neck with a five iron.''

Back: Oh! That is just a wrong place for a golf ball. Previous: Golf Lesson 101 (2) Up: Best of Golf Jokes

It's a small world

Jim and Bob were avid golfers, faithfully playing a round of golf every Sunday. One particular Sunday, after the first few holes they found themselves waiting for two very slow playing women to move on, so that they could play the next hole. Jim took the initiative:

JIM: Bob, go and ask those two women in front to move over and let us pass will you? We'll be here forever otherwise.

BOB: No worries mate. It won't be a minute.

So off trots Bob down the fairway toward the two offending women. But when he gets half way there he suddenly stops and starts to walk back toward Jim.

JIM: What's the matter?

BOB: I can't go down there!

JIM: Why not? It's not that difficult.

BOB: Well it's those women..... one's my wife and the other's my mistress!

JIM: No worries mate. I'll go.

So off he goes, but when he gets half way Jim turns around and heads back to Bob.

BOB: (perplexed) Well?

JIM: It's a small world!!!

Back: It's a small world Previous: Oh! That is just a wrong place for a golf ball. Up: Best of Golf Jokes

Golfing on Mother's Day

Three men gathered together for a round of golf on Mother's Day. The men were quite surprised at being ``let go'' for the day, and each wanted to know how the other got away from their wife.

The first man said, ``I purchased a dozen red roses for my wife, and she was so happy that she let me go.''

The second man said, ``I purchased a diamond ring for my wife, and she was so thrilled with me that she let me go.''

The third man said, ``I woke up this morning, rolled over, looked at my wife, and said to her: `Golf course or inter-course,' and she said: I'll put your clubs in the car.' ''

Back: Golfing on Mother's Day Previous: It's a small world Up: Best of Golf Jokes

In a Lamaze class

This is take from Reader's Digest, March 1994.

During our weekly Lamaze class, the instructor emphasized the importance of exercise, hinting strongly that husbands need to get out and start walking with their wives. From the back of the room one expectant father inquired, "Would it be okay if she carries a bag of golf clubs while she walks?"

Back: In a Lamaze class Previous: Golfing on Mother's Day Up: Best of Golf Jokes

Wrong Excuse

Husband comes home from golfing after dark. Wife asks where has he been. He says that after his 8:00 am round he stops to help a gorgeous blond with a flat tire. Goes back to her place for a cool drink, ends up in the bedroom with her all afternoon. Wife says,

``You S.O.B. You played 36 holes, didn't you?''

Back: Wrong Excuse Previous: In a Lamaze class Up: Best of Golf Jokes

The Dream Golf Course

Willie Nelson used to own his own course and was certainly a free thinker when playing there. He once said:

``It's my own damn course, and I can do anything I fell like out there. I can wear what I want. Drink what I want. Par is whatever I say it is. I've got one hole that's a par 23 and I damn near birdied the sucker the other day.''

Back: The Dream Golf Course Previous: Wrong Excuse Up: Best of Golf Jokes

The magic of bifocal glasses

An old man, who plays a round of golf with his pals each week, has just purchased a new pair of glasses. At the first hole, he sinks a 30' putt! His friends are amazed. Again, on the 2nd and 3rd green, he completes equally difficult shots.

``Hey, Harry'', one friend asks, ``what's your secret? You've never played so well.''

``Well guys, its these new bifocals. I see a small ball and a big ball. I hit the large one, and the rest is history.''

A few holes later, Harry needs to relieve himself so off into the woods he trots. When he returns, his trousers are drenched.

``What happened Harry?''

Harry, in confused voice,

``I reached in and looked down, I saw a big one and a little one. I knew the big one wasn't mine, so I put it back!''

Back: The magic of bifocal glasses Previous: The Dream Golf Course Up: Best of Golf Jokes

Fatal Provisional

A guy gets a call from the coroner, who wants to talk about his wife's recent death. ``We were on the third hole'' the widower relates.

``My wife was standing on the ladies tee about 30 yards ahead of the men's when I hit my drive. From the sound when the ball hit her head and the way she dropped like a rock I knew immediately that she was dead. God only knows where the ball wound up.''

The coroner replies ``That explains the injury to her head, but what about the Maxfli embedded in her rectum?'' ``Oh'' says the man

``that was my provisional.''

Back: Fatal Provisional Previous: The magic of bifocal glasses Up: Best of Golf Jokes

Pavin Fined ?

This is from the article of David Cook (Daved_E._Cook@NOTES.PW.COM) in

True Story. This morning, my girlfriend and I are driving to work
listening to the radio. Sports news come on and I turn it
up. Announcer says

"...bla, bla, bla...  Pavin wins it with a LATE CHARGE on the

Girlfriend asks, "How much is a late charge?"

I didn't laugh then, and I hope she isn't a subscriber!


Back: Pavin Fined ? Previous: Fatal Provisional Up: Best of Golf Jokes

How do pros create so much backspin ?

Amateur: ``How do you get so much backspin?''

Pro: ``Before I answer that, tell me, how far do you hit a 5 iron?''

Amateur: ``About 130.''

Pro: ``Then why in the world would you want the ball to spin *back*?''

Back: How do pros create so much backspin ? Previous: Pavin Fined ? Up: Best of Golf Jokes

Why not use old balls ?

A fella goes for a quick round of golf, and at the first tee, someone is about to tee off in front of him. The man takes a brand new ball out of his bag, unwraps it and places it on the tee. Thwack! Slices into the trees. ``Bollocks!'' He reaches into his bag and takes out another brand new ball, unwraps it, and tees it up. Thwack! Hooks it miles into the bushes.

``Bollocks!'' He stomps back to his bag for another ball, when the man waiting approaches him. ``Er, excuse me, but I notice you're losing a lot of brand new balls. Why don't you use an old one?'' He looks at the man.

``Cos I've never bloody had one!''

Back: Why not use old balls ? Previous: How do pros create so much backspin ? Up: Best of Golf Jokes

Golf Lesson 101 (3)

One day, a woman decided to take lessons in golf to surprise her husband. So she signs up and goes the next day to play. Her instructor says that he'd like to see her take a few shots to see how far they go. She stands properly, aims and goes way off to the left. She tries it again....swings....and it goes way off to the right.

``Hum..'' the instructor says, ``I've got an idea. Hold it like you would your husband's penis.''

So she aims, swings, and gets a hole in one!

``WOW!'' exclaims the instructor, ``but now this time, try doing that with the club out of your mouth.''

Back: Golf Lesson 101 (3) Previous: Why not use old balls ? Up: Best of Golf Jokes

How Harrington killed his wife ?

Two men are chatting at the 19th hole at their golf club.

First golfer: I say, did you hear about old Harrington-Smythe?
Second golfer: No. What happened?
First golfer: He was arrested yesterday for murdering his wife.
Second golfer: Really? How did he do it?
First golfer: With one of his golf clubs!
Second golfer: How many strokes?

Back: How Harrington killed his wife ? Previous: Golf Lesson 101 (3) Up: Best of Golf Jokes

How hard to hit a 1-iron ?

A rather good golf junkie who happens to be a priest is on the 18th hole and has about a 200 yard approach shot to the green. He drags out his 1-iron, and starts to swing at the ball. Suddenly, the clouds overhead let out a flash of lightning and a massive roll of thunder, shattering a tree some 3 hundred yards east, and the rain begins pouring down in a blinding sheet.

The distraction causes him to hook the shot badly out of bounds. He waves his 1-iron at the clouds, screaming and yelling and cursing God. His caddy runs up, grabs his club arm and yanks it down, yelling ``Are you crazy? You don't wave a club around like that in a thunderstorm!'' The priest looks at his caddy and says

``Phhhhhtt. Not even God can hit a 1-iron!''.

Back: How hard to hit a 1-iron ? Previous: How Harrington killed his wife ? Up: Best of Golf Jokes

Golf Lesson 101 (4)

A foursome is waiting at the mens tee when another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee. The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically:

``I guess all thos f*cking lessons I took this winter didn't help''

One of the men immediately replies:

``No, you see there is your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead.''

Back: Golf Lesson 101 (4) Previous: How hard to hit a 1-iron ? Up: Best of Golf Jokes

Need a spotter ?

Four men, well along in years, had played golf as a foursome every Sunday morning, until one of them passed away. The other three asked the club pro if he could find them a compatible gentleman to fill out the foursome again. ``No problem,'' answered the pro.

``But, you have to understand,'' one of the guys, named George, explained, ``that Moe, who died, was like our eyes. We're all getting some cataracts, and have trouble seeing the ball. Moe's eyesight was perfect, and he was our spotter.''

The pro promised to see what he could do, and, when the others returned the following Sunday, he introduced them to a truly ancient looking gentleman, named Gary.

``How old are you?'' George asked.

``I'm ninety-four,'' Gary responded.

``Fabulous,'' said George. ``But how's your eyesight?''

At this, Gary blew up. ``Don't insult my eyes,'' he yelled. ``I may be old, but I've got 20-20 vision. I have eyes like an eagle. Don't insult me!''

``Okay, okay,'' the others said. ``Let's play golf.''

George was first on the tee, and he hit a long, low drive, that faded significantly after about 200 yards. He turned to Gary.

``Did you see where it went?'' he asked the ancient one.

``Did I see where it went?! I told you not to insult my eyesight. Of course I saw where it went. I've got eyes like an eagle!'' Gary yelled.

``Okay, I'm sorry,'' said George. ``Where did it go?''

Gary dropped his head, and muttered, ``I forgot.''

Back: Need a spotter ? Previous: Golf Lesson 101 (4) Up: Best of Golf Jokes

Feeling good or healing hurts ?

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his ``pain''.

``Please allow me to help, I am a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!'' She told him earnestly.

``Ummph, oooh, nnnoo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes.'' He replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

The woman takes it upon herself to begin to ``ease his pain''. She began to massage his groin (*okay, you use whatever term works for you*).

After a few moments she asked, ``does that feel better?''

The man looked up at her and replied, ``yes, that feels pretty good ...but my thumb still hurts like hell!''

Back: Feeling good or healing hurts ? Previous: Need a spotter ? Up: Best of Golf Jokes

Golfer's Regret ?

I caught this in the

>In more than 20 years of playing, taking lessons, reading golf
>magazines and watching instructional videotapes, here are the
>numerical results:

>Approx. no. of holes played = 30,000
>No. of holes in one = 0
>No. of eagles          = 0
>No. of birdies         = 1,000
>No. of pars             = 3,000
>No. of bogies or worse = 20,000+
>No. of snowmen or worse = 5,000+
>No. of putters used      = 30
>No. of drivers used     = 100
>No. of iron sets used   = 50
>No. of lessons taken in which conflicting advice was given = 100
>No. of times quit before 18 holes completed = 50
>No. of times some SOB hit me with ball without shouting fore = 5
>No. of rude playing partners = more than I can keep track of
>Average No. of really good shots per round = 4
>Average No. of lousy shots per round = 90
>Lowest handicap ever achieved = 18
>No. of times broken 90 without a mulligan  = 30
>Lowest score ever for 18    =   83
>Highest score ever for 18     = 126
>Average No. of shanks per round =    at least 1, usually more
>Average No. of topped or fat shots per round = 25
>No. of back sprains or muscle pulls    = 12
>No. of times quit game  for more
>than one month                  =  5

>And this is supposed to be recreation?

>Though they might have decent athletic skills, some people such as
>myself can never learn the game no matter what they do. The only
>thing that keeps me coming back is the need to get out of the house
>once in awhile and get some fresh air. Otherwise, I get virtually no
>enjoyment from this so-called sport.

>I realize these sentiments will not be popular here, but I imagine
>that most golfers (or hackers, more accurately) will agree with me
>that, all things considered, golf is not much fun when taken too
>seriously. As Bobby Jones said, "If golf is worth playing, then it is
>worth playing well."  Bogey golf or worse is unacceptable for anyone
>with a sense of achievement.

>When you have invested as much sweat, time, money and effort as I
>have for the past 20+ years and have gotten so little back, you have
>to wonder whether the time was well spent. On reflection, I think I
>might have received greater satisfaction and reward in some other
>endeavor besides this humiliating game.


There, I feel better now.

Balls purchased: 2000
Balls lost: 1000
Wives lost: 4
Children I don't know: 6

Back: Golfer's Regret ? Previous: Feeling good or healing hurts ? Up: Best of Golf Jokes

Back: Any more golf jokes ? Previous: Golfer's Regret ? Up: Best of Golf Jokes

Some quotes

From the classified ad section of the Midland (Texas) Reporter-Telegram:

LOST: GOLFING HUSBAND AND DOG - last seen at Ratliff Ranch Golf Links. Reward for dog.

by Bob Hope:

``Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.''

From someones signature:

Drive for show, Putt for dough, Shank for comic relief.

by someone on the net:

``Golf is easy. You just swing the club and say Oh No....No!''

Back: Some quotes Previous: Any more golf jokes ? Up: Best of Golf Jokes

A true joke ?

A new inmate in a prison was at the meal table for the first time. One of the inmates said, ``Seventeen'', and everyone laughed. Another said, ``Forty-three,'' and everyone laughed. Another said, ``Five,'' and got huge gales of laughter.

The new guy asked what was going on. He was told that everyone had been there so long that they all knew one another's jokes. So they numbered the jokes to save time, and just said the numbers.

The next morning, the new guy waited till everyone was at the table, then said, ``Five.'' Dead silence! Why no laughter, he asked. ``Hey, it's not just the joke, it's mostly how you tell it.''

Previous: Some quotes Up: Best of Golf Jokes